Have you ever looked back at your past relationships and noticed your “type” was not as random as it felt at the time?

Different names, different faces, yet somehow a familiar theme runs through them. There is usually a reason for that, and it is rarely as simple as bad luck.

The word that helps here is attraction. The Cambridge dictionary describes it as “a feeling of liking someone, or the quality of causing this feeling.” But attraction is not only about what we like; it is about what feels familiar. And familiar is not always the same as healthy.

Firstly, we are often drawn to the familiar, not the good for us. Much of who we are attracted to is shaped long before adulthood. The relationship therapist Harville Hendrix described how we are often unconsciously drawn to partners who carry traits (both positive and painful) of the people who raised us. Without realising it, we can choose someone who recreates an old emotional situation, quietly hoping that this time it will turn out differently. It is the heart’s attempt to heal an old wound by returning to a familiar one. Awareness is what breaks the cycle.

Secondly, chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing. Chemistry is that immediate spark: exciting, magnetic, hard to ignore. Compatibility is the slower question of whether your values, your goals and your way of moving through life actually fit together. Chemistry can carry you through the first few months; only compatibility carries you through the years. Many of us have stayed too long somewhere because the chemistry was strong, while quietly ignoring that the compatibility was never really there.

Thirdly, notice what you talk yourself out of seeing. We do not only choose partners; we sometimes choose to overlook things. The red flag we explained away. The value difference we hoped love would fix. The gut feeling we silenced. Choosing a partner well includes being honest about what you tend to ignore.

None of this means your past choices were failures. As I have written before, failure is only feedback if you let it be. Each relationship has been teaching you something about what you are drawn to, what you need, and what you are finally ready to outgrow.

A few questions to reflect on:
• What do my past partners have in common (in personality, not just appearance)?
• Am I drawn to this person because they feel right, or because they feel familiar?
• What have I talked myself out of noticing before?

You get to choose differently the moment you understand why you chose the way you did.